Ellen Park, the Lone Wanderer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aaaaaaaagh_sky) wrote2014-10-28 03:53 pm
aaaaaaaagh_sky) wrote2014-10-28 03:53 pm
Entry tags:
Painless Parker
It would have been so much simpler, Ellen thought, if she could've looked for a guide to the Philly streets in Milliways. A trip to the Bar, a trip to the notice board, and within a day or two someone would have turned up inquiring about how they could help. But she was the only one of her world left who came there any more, as far as she could tell. None of the people who knew the city from their own times would be much use when it came to navigating ruins and avoiding the inevitable nightmares of this or that stretch of rubble. Maybe if they could fly, and carry people while they did it, they could avoid the street hell altogether- but that would leave the Brahmin vulnerable…
Anyway, it didn't matter. The point wasn't that Milliways would've been easier, the point was that she didn't know where to start. The grey stone bulk of a burnt-out, cross-topped building up ahead bore a sign proclaiming it to be Saint Joe's, but the door was barred and there was no one in sight. In her experience people didn't generally take kindly to strangers in armor kicking the door open to demand assistance. She stared at the locked door, then up at the highest windows of the building's corpse. "Conklin?" she called.
"Yes, Paladin?"
"If they don't have someone on watch duty up there I'll be very surprised. How loudly can you yell?"
"Well, ma'am-"
"I don't know that I'd advise that," came an unfamiliar voice from behind Conklin. "The folks in there aren't buying what anybody's selling today."
Ellen spun around on one heel. Conklin and Kang both leveled their laser rifles at the speaker, a brown-skinned man who already had both his hands in the air. "Whoa there!" he said. "I'm just saying!"
Now, Ellen had grown up the daughter of the Vault's physician, so she'd seen lab coats before. She couldn't honestly remember seeing anyone on the surface who'd found one that was fit to wear, though. The last time she'd seen a top hat like the one the man wore, it'd been in. . . oh, some old vid; certainly she'd never seen one worn in real life. And she definitely couldn't remember seeing anyone with… "Sir?" she said.
The man's eyes slid towards Ellen, at least as far as he could manage without turning away from the two armored figures who had him at gunpoint.
"That… necklace you're wearing," Ellen said slowly. "What, ah…"
"What, this old thing?" The man tried to nod towards the rope of lumpy ivory things around his neck.
"Yes, that- what am I looking at?"
"Hopefully, you're looking at advertising," the man said. "Could you tell your soldiers to please put their guns somewhere else? I explain things a lot better when I'm not about to die."
Conklin's head turned fractionally towards Ellen in the closest thing a fully power-armored Knight could manage to a skeptical expression. She hesitated a moment, then nodded.
"My name's Painless Parker," said the man as Kang and Conklin lowered their weapons. "They're teeth-" The rifles came right back up. "Hey, it's not like that, it's not like that!"
"That," said Ellen, "is way too many teeth to be healthy, Mr. Parker."
"Doctor Parker, okay?" said the man. "Damn right they're not healthy- I'm not a killer, I'm a dentist! I pulled all of these for caps!"
"And you're wearing them on a string around your neck?"
"Can you think of a better way to say you know your way around the inside of a human mouth? Look, unless you count a set of pliers and a Med-X five pack, I'm not armed, I swear."
". . . all right, fine," said Ellen a little grudgingly. "Knights, stand down."
"Thank you," said Parker. "Damn. Most of the time people don't start waving guns at me until it's time to pay up."
Ellen sighed. "My apologies, Doctor," she said. "We've been on the road a long while now, and this city is unfamiliar territory. I'm afraid all four of us are a little on edge."
"Mmmmooooooooooo."
"Not counting Shiphrah and Puah." There was a nudge at the back of her leg. "Or Dogmeat here."
"You're walking around in power armor with a guard animal named Dogmeat and you think I'm the dangerous one?"
"As I said, Doctor, you have my apologies," Ellen said. "We ought to have given a better first impression. I'm Paladin 101, of the Capital Wasteland Brotherhood of Steel. These are Knights Kang and Conklin, and the fellow in the robes is Scribe Cancio." She paused; diplomacy that didn't involve death rays and robot armies wasn't her strongest suit. "I hope you'll forgive me for saying so, but it's not often we find people with even a basic education in our travels. Let alone in something as specialized as dentistry."
Parker ducked his head, though he was smiling a little. "I'll admit, I'm self-taught," he allowed. "But it was still a better education than most people get these days. This city used to have quite a few institutions of higher learning, before the War."
"I take it you found one of their ruins?" Ellen said.
"I found one of their ruins," Parker confirmed. "Wasn't much left of it that hadn't collapsed or burned or both, but I was fortunate enough to find six or seven books, all still in readable condition. Since the previous owner wasn't in any kind of state to object, having died with his texts in his arms, I relieved him of his burden."
"Probably planning to use them for kindling," muttered Kang.
"Maybe, maybe," said Parker. "But isn't the fact that I didn't the important part? I found myself too fascinated by the first few pages to be able to tear anything else away. In the end I wound up reading them all, cover to cover. Turns out, even without the robot assistants and the fancy equipment and all the chems they had before the War, they still had a lot to say."
"Huh," said Ellen. "That's quite the story."
"I know," said Parker, with another brief proud smile. "I've been earning my living by dealing with the aches and pains of teeth across this city for years now."
"But not today?" guessed Jerald. "Since you said Saint Joe's wasn't buying anything anyone was selling?"
"Alas." Parker shook his head. "Like every business, the dental arts have their dry spells-"
Dental arts? mouthed Jerald in Ellen's direction. She shrugged helplessly.
"-and this one, unfortunately, has lasted longer than I really like to admit. I've been able to make a few caps here and there by treating other conditions, but the rest of medicine's a little beyond my ability to handle."
"So you've been going door to door to try to drum up more business," said Ellen. "Am I right?"
"Give the paladin a cigar," said Parker.
"… uh…"
"Means yes," Parker clarified. "I'm about ready to pack up my gear and head for Bel Air at this rate. In a year or two I should be able to come back, but-"
"Before you go," Ellen said, "not to interrupt, but- before you go, I had a question."
"I'm listening," said Parker, and spread his hands with a smile.
"You mentioned caps; I'm assuming that means Nuka-Cola bottlecaps, right?"
"It does indeed, although they're the lowest caps in value around here," said Parker. "This city uses five or six different kinds of cap. The more common the cap, the less it's worth."
"And Nuka-Cola was the most popular beverage in the country before the War," Ellen finished, "so it would be the most common… well, how many of them would you need for it to be worth your while to stick around a while longer?"
"That would depend, Paladin," said Parker. "What am I sticking around for?"
Anyway, it didn't matter. The point wasn't that Milliways would've been easier, the point was that she didn't know where to start. The grey stone bulk of a burnt-out, cross-topped building up ahead bore a sign proclaiming it to be Saint Joe's, but the door was barred and there was no one in sight. In her experience people didn't generally take kindly to strangers in armor kicking the door open to demand assistance. She stared at the locked door, then up at the highest windows of the building's corpse. "Conklin?" she called.
"Yes, Paladin?"
"If they don't have someone on watch duty up there I'll be very surprised. How loudly can you yell?"
"Well, ma'am-"
"I don't know that I'd advise that," came an unfamiliar voice from behind Conklin. "The folks in there aren't buying what anybody's selling today."
Ellen spun around on one heel. Conklin and Kang both leveled their laser rifles at the speaker, a brown-skinned man who already had both his hands in the air. "Whoa there!" he said. "I'm just saying!"
Now, Ellen had grown up the daughter of the Vault's physician, so she'd seen lab coats before. She couldn't honestly remember seeing anyone on the surface who'd found one that was fit to wear, though. The last time she'd seen a top hat like the one the man wore, it'd been in. . . oh, some old vid; certainly she'd never seen one worn in real life. And she definitely couldn't remember seeing anyone with… "Sir?" she said.
The man's eyes slid towards Ellen, at least as far as he could manage without turning away from the two armored figures who had him at gunpoint.
"That… necklace you're wearing," Ellen said slowly. "What, ah…"
"What, this old thing?" The man tried to nod towards the rope of lumpy ivory things around his neck.
"Yes, that- what am I looking at?"
"Hopefully, you're looking at advertising," the man said. "Could you tell your soldiers to please put their guns somewhere else? I explain things a lot better when I'm not about to die."
Conklin's head turned fractionally towards Ellen in the closest thing a fully power-armored Knight could manage to a skeptical expression. She hesitated a moment, then nodded.
"My name's Painless Parker," said the man as Kang and Conklin lowered their weapons. "They're teeth-" The rifles came right back up. "Hey, it's not like that, it's not like that!"
"That," said Ellen, "is way too many teeth to be healthy, Mr. Parker."
"Doctor Parker, okay?" said the man. "Damn right they're not healthy- I'm not a killer, I'm a dentist! I pulled all of these for caps!"
"And you're wearing them on a string around your neck?"
"Can you think of a better way to say you know your way around the inside of a human mouth? Look, unless you count a set of pliers and a Med-X five pack, I'm not armed, I swear."
". . . all right, fine," said Ellen a little grudgingly. "Knights, stand down."
"Thank you," said Parker. "Damn. Most of the time people don't start waving guns at me until it's time to pay up."
Ellen sighed. "My apologies, Doctor," she said. "We've been on the road a long while now, and this city is unfamiliar territory. I'm afraid all four of us are a little on edge."
"Mmmmooooooooooo."
"Not counting Shiphrah and Puah." There was a nudge at the back of her leg. "Or Dogmeat here."
"You're walking around in power armor with a guard animal named Dogmeat and you think I'm the dangerous one?"
"As I said, Doctor, you have my apologies," Ellen said. "We ought to have given a better first impression. I'm Paladin 101, of the Capital Wasteland Brotherhood of Steel. These are Knights Kang and Conklin, and the fellow in the robes is Scribe Cancio." She paused; diplomacy that didn't involve death rays and robot armies wasn't her strongest suit. "I hope you'll forgive me for saying so, but it's not often we find people with even a basic education in our travels. Let alone in something as specialized as dentistry."
Parker ducked his head, though he was smiling a little. "I'll admit, I'm self-taught," he allowed. "But it was still a better education than most people get these days. This city used to have quite a few institutions of higher learning, before the War."
"I take it you found one of their ruins?" Ellen said.
"I found one of their ruins," Parker confirmed. "Wasn't much left of it that hadn't collapsed or burned or both, but I was fortunate enough to find six or seven books, all still in readable condition. Since the previous owner wasn't in any kind of state to object, having died with his texts in his arms, I relieved him of his burden."
"Probably planning to use them for kindling," muttered Kang.
"Maybe, maybe," said Parker. "But isn't the fact that I didn't the important part? I found myself too fascinated by the first few pages to be able to tear anything else away. In the end I wound up reading them all, cover to cover. Turns out, even without the robot assistants and the fancy equipment and all the chems they had before the War, they still had a lot to say."
"Huh," said Ellen. "That's quite the story."
"I know," said Parker, with another brief proud smile. "I've been earning my living by dealing with the aches and pains of teeth across this city for years now."
"But not today?" guessed Jerald. "Since you said Saint Joe's wasn't buying anything anyone was selling?"
"Alas." Parker shook his head. "Like every business, the dental arts have their dry spells-"
Dental arts? mouthed Jerald in Ellen's direction. She shrugged helplessly.
"-and this one, unfortunately, has lasted longer than I really like to admit. I've been able to make a few caps here and there by treating other conditions, but the rest of medicine's a little beyond my ability to handle."
"So you've been going door to door to try to drum up more business," said Ellen. "Am I right?"
"Give the paladin a cigar," said Parker.
"… uh…"
"Means yes," Parker clarified. "I'm about ready to pack up my gear and head for Bel Air at this rate. In a year or two I should be able to come back, but-"
"Before you go," Ellen said, "not to interrupt, but- before you go, I had a question."
"I'm listening," said Parker, and spread his hands with a smile.
"You mentioned caps; I'm assuming that means Nuka-Cola bottlecaps, right?"
"It does indeed, although they're the lowest caps in value around here," said Parker. "This city uses five or six different kinds of cap. The more common the cap, the less it's worth."
"And Nuka-Cola was the most popular beverage in the country before the War," Ellen finished, "so it would be the most common… well, how many of them would you need for it to be worth your while to stick around a while longer?"
"That would depend, Paladin," said Parker. "What am I sticking around for?"