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Nov. 13th, 2014 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aaaaaaaagh_sky"Just… don't go up against him in a match if you want to go home with teeth."
". . . I'll remember that," said Ellen, her stomach knotting. Lord Ashur had been a fairly rational individual, once you got past his delusion that anyone believed his claims about 'workers' not being slaves. She could deal with rational. Psychotically aggressive, and experienced at surviving despite being psychotically aggressive, was something else again. "What else should I know?"
Painless tapped one finger against his lips, the necklace of molars clinking softly as he hopped over a downed lamp-post. "About him, or the city in general?" he said. "I'm not what you'd call in with the ice gangs."
"I'll settle for the city in general."
"In that case-" Painless pointed towards a nearby alley. "There's a lot of places in this city where people think they can take shortcuts. That's not a great idea. The hippos come out of the river at night to look for food, and they'll go a good five miles from the water to find it. They don't usually go out of their way to hunt people, but you hear about rogue bulls sometimes. And even the ones who aren't out for blood'll bite you in two if you insist on presenting them with a meal on the hoof. That armor might be enough to keep them from breaking anything. Never seen a suit like that before except on old pictures, though."
"Good to know," said Jerald dryly. "What do you recommend I do?"
"Climb," was the immediate answer. "Do not try to outrun a river hippo. You won't. Your only chance is getting up the side of a building or something like that. They get tired of waiting for you to come down eventually."
"Are they armored in any way?" asked Knight Conklin. "Do they have weak spots?"
"You mean like bone plates? No, not especially," said Painless. "Their hide's as tough as double-thickness boiled leather, though, and their bones are supremely dense. If you're planning on trying to kill one, you probably need to hit it several times in the head. From a secure perch. They don't really slow down if you shoot them, they just get mad."
"Does anything eat creatures like those?" said Kang.
"Humans, if they can kill one," said Painless. "The meat's decent. Otherwise it's all the things that live in the river. Which I don't advise trying to swim in, by the by. The water won't kill you straightaway, but the jellies just might, if only by sheer numbers."
"Well, that puts it a step up from-" Ellen waved a hand vaguely southwestward, not wanting to mention the Pitt. "You don't survive that river."
Painless nodded. "The Prince uses the river for executions when he's feeling merciful," he said. "The prisoners get taken out on the Half-Bridge and tossed into the water. If they can make it to the other side alive, they're left to their own devices. 'Course, the other side's no picnic either."
"Why, what's over there?"
"Killer plants," said Painless. "Viney things with big red berries. The berries are good to eat, if you can get them without the vines creeping up on you and strangling you or tearing you apart."
"See, I'd say you were trying to fool a credulous outsider, but I've met a tree that managed to assimilate a human being into its structure," said Ellen. "And I've heard from a friend who's been out West. I might just believe you on that one."
"It's all the same to me whether you do or don't," said Painless. "As long as you don't try a swim before I get paid, anyway."
"Fair enough," said Ellen. "What about the people here? What should we know?"
"Hmm-" Painless cocked his head for a moment, thinking. "Well, you already saw the list of recognized ice gangs on the sign. Be careful of insulting anybody who says they're part of one, because there's a good chance you'll get called into a challege match over it, and nobody gets out of this city without responding to a challenge once there's been one issued. Especially don't honk off the Royals. They were in charge before the Blood Prince and they still resent him taking the cup. Other people you don't want to insult would be the Friends. They're not going to fight you, they're just not going to interact with you. And considering they've got the only reliable good water in the city, that's not a good thing."
"You'd think that kind of advantage would put them on top," said Jerald mildly.
"Yeah, you'd think that, but the Friends're some kind of cult or something," said Painless. "They won't fight. They won't even raise a hand in self-defense. They'll live behind walls, sure, and they've got guard animals even the hippos don't mess with, but they're just. . . non-violent. Weird, huh?"
"I don't think I've ever heard of someone trying to live like that," said Jerald. "I mean. Not since the War. Before, yeah, but not since."
Painless shrugged. "Seems kind of like a losing proposition to me even then," he said, "but it doesn't really matter. I'll point some out to you if we see any. They're pretty good at medicine, but they don't like patching up ice gangers or soldiers. Your best bet if you need that kind of treatment is Doctor D and his Franklin Girls."
"Franklin Girls," Ellen repeated. "What, ah…"
"Hookers," said Painless. "Prostitutes, ladies for hire- well, mostly ladies. In all fairness I believe they've got some men on the staff too."
"And… they're your idea of medical-"
"They're not my idea of anything," Painless interrupted. "They are medically trained. Doctor D's from somewhere out in California, although how he got here I'll never know. He's been teaching all the ladies who work for him about first aid, emergency medicine, preventing disease- you name it. When they're not earning their caps the other way, of course."
"I think we'll try to avoid the need for their services," Ellen said slowly. "No offense."
"None taken," said Painless with a shrug. "Thought I should mention it, that's all. Let's see. . . oh, yes, you might run into the chicken folks. They say they're from a Vault around here somewhere and they don't recognize any authority that doesn't have feathers."
"What."
"You heard me," said Painless. "Feathers. Don't know why. I don't talk to them. The Prince puts up with them because they sell delicious, delicious chickens, but they're never here long."
"Could be worse," Ellen said to Jerald, who had developed a Look of Great Disbelief. "At least they're not the Treeminders."
"The only other folks I think you're going to have to be careful about are mostly in West Philly, and we've already gotten out of that part of town," said Painless. "They're pretty clannish, but they're not an ice gang. If you hear a whole lot of fingers snapping all at once, you've attracted their attention. Do not let them start dancing at you. You might be armed and armored, but I guarantee you, these guys outnumber you, and they won't stop until it's gone from a dance-off into a full-on brawl."
Ellen reached up to rub at her temples, but armored fingers clinked against her helmet. With a sigh, she dropped her hands. "All right," she said. "All right. I can- all right. How much further until we get to the Blood Prince's place?"
"Not much further," said Painless. "The Eastern Pen's coming up in a couple of streets."
". . . I'll remember that," said Ellen, her stomach knotting. Lord Ashur had been a fairly rational individual, once you got past his delusion that anyone believed his claims about 'workers' not being slaves. She could deal with rational. Psychotically aggressive, and experienced at surviving despite being psychotically aggressive, was something else again. "What else should I know?"
Painless tapped one finger against his lips, the necklace of molars clinking softly as he hopped over a downed lamp-post. "About him, or the city in general?" he said. "I'm not what you'd call in with the ice gangs."
"I'll settle for the city in general."
"In that case-" Painless pointed towards a nearby alley. "There's a lot of places in this city where people think they can take shortcuts. That's not a great idea. The hippos come out of the river at night to look for food, and they'll go a good five miles from the water to find it. They don't usually go out of their way to hunt people, but you hear about rogue bulls sometimes. And even the ones who aren't out for blood'll bite you in two if you insist on presenting them with a meal on the hoof. That armor might be enough to keep them from breaking anything. Never seen a suit like that before except on old pictures, though."
"Good to know," said Jerald dryly. "What do you recommend I do?"
"Climb," was the immediate answer. "Do not try to outrun a river hippo. You won't. Your only chance is getting up the side of a building or something like that. They get tired of waiting for you to come down eventually."
"Are they armored in any way?" asked Knight Conklin. "Do they have weak spots?"
"You mean like bone plates? No, not especially," said Painless. "Their hide's as tough as double-thickness boiled leather, though, and their bones are supremely dense. If you're planning on trying to kill one, you probably need to hit it several times in the head. From a secure perch. They don't really slow down if you shoot them, they just get mad."
"Does anything eat creatures like those?" said Kang.
"Humans, if they can kill one," said Painless. "The meat's decent. Otherwise it's all the things that live in the river. Which I don't advise trying to swim in, by the by. The water won't kill you straightaway, but the jellies just might, if only by sheer numbers."
"Well, that puts it a step up from-" Ellen waved a hand vaguely southwestward, not wanting to mention the Pitt. "You don't survive that river."
Painless nodded. "The Prince uses the river for executions when he's feeling merciful," he said. "The prisoners get taken out on the Half-Bridge and tossed into the water. If they can make it to the other side alive, they're left to their own devices. 'Course, the other side's no picnic either."
"Why, what's over there?"
"Killer plants," said Painless. "Viney things with big red berries. The berries are good to eat, if you can get them without the vines creeping up on you and strangling you or tearing you apart."
"See, I'd say you were trying to fool a credulous outsider, but I've met a tree that managed to assimilate a human being into its structure," said Ellen. "And I've heard from a friend who's been out West. I might just believe you on that one."
"It's all the same to me whether you do or don't," said Painless. "As long as you don't try a swim before I get paid, anyway."
"Fair enough," said Ellen. "What about the people here? What should we know?"
"Hmm-" Painless cocked his head for a moment, thinking. "Well, you already saw the list of recognized ice gangs on the sign. Be careful of insulting anybody who says they're part of one, because there's a good chance you'll get called into a challege match over it, and nobody gets out of this city without responding to a challenge once there's been one issued. Especially don't honk off the Royals. They were in charge before the Blood Prince and they still resent him taking the cup. Other people you don't want to insult would be the Friends. They're not going to fight you, they're just not going to interact with you. And considering they've got the only reliable good water in the city, that's not a good thing."
"You'd think that kind of advantage would put them on top," said Jerald mildly.
"Yeah, you'd think that, but the Friends're some kind of cult or something," said Painless. "They won't fight. They won't even raise a hand in self-defense. They'll live behind walls, sure, and they've got guard animals even the hippos don't mess with, but they're just. . . non-violent. Weird, huh?"
"I don't think I've ever heard of someone trying to live like that," said Jerald. "I mean. Not since the War. Before, yeah, but not since."
Painless shrugged. "Seems kind of like a losing proposition to me even then," he said, "but it doesn't really matter. I'll point some out to you if we see any. They're pretty good at medicine, but they don't like patching up ice gangers or soldiers. Your best bet if you need that kind of treatment is Doctor D and his Franklin Girls."
"Franklin Girls," Ellen repeated. "What, ah…"
"Hookers," said Painless. "Prostitutes, ladies for hire- well, mostly ladies. In all fairness I believe they've got some men on the staff too."
"And… they're your idea of medical-"
"They're not my idea of anything," Painless interrupted. "They are medically trained. Doctor D's from somewhere out in California, although how he got here I'll never know. He's been teaching all the ladies who work for him about first aid, emergency medicine, preventing disease- you name it. When they're not earning their caps the other way, of course."
"I think we'll try to avoid the need for their services," Ellen said slowly. "No offense."
"None taken," said Painless with a shrug. "Thought I should mention it, that's all. Let's see. . . oh, yes, you might run into the chicken folks. They say they're from a Vault around here somewhere and they don't recognize any authority that doesn't have feathers."
"What."
"You heard me," said Painless. "Feathers. Don't know why. I don't talk to them. The Prince puts up with them because they sell delicious, delicious chickens, but they're never here long."
"Could be worse," Ellen said to Jerald, who had developed a Look of Great Disbelief. "At least they're not the Treeminders."
"The only other folks I think you're going to have to be careful about are mostly in West Philly, and we've already gotten out of that part of town," said Painless. "They're pretty clannish, but they're not an ice gang. If you hear a whole lot of fingers snapping all at once, you've attracted their attention. Do not let them start dancing at you. You might be armed and armored, but I guarantee you, these guys outnumber you, and they won't stop until it's gone from a dance-off into a full-on brawl."
Ellen reached up to rub at her temples, but armored fingers clinked against her helmet. With a sigh, she dropped her hands. "All right," she said. "All right. I can- all right. How much further until we get to the Blood Prince's place?"
"Not much further," said Painless. "The Eastern Pen's coming up in a couple of streets."